Some people grapple with the question of how a good God can allow bad things to happen. I've made my peace with that question. Whether that's because I've never had anything truly bad happen in my life or whether I've just come to terms with the fact that I'm human and I will never understand how everything on earth fits together. Either way, I've made my peace.
The question I've not made my peace with is how God can give you desires and dreams and not fulfill them. For me, that seems a harder question to bear. Because the thing is, on any given day my heart burns with desires so deep I can almost taste them. I can see them vividly take shape in front of me. But as I reach out to touch them I fall through an invisible wall that was never really there and I stumble trying to regain my footing as I realise that the vision I had is not tangible. It hasn't come true. Maybe it never will.
And maybe that's the problem. Our world is so focused on the fairy tale ending that tells you that you were made for one specific thing, that what's for you won't pass by you, that if you just work hard enough that thing you've always wanted will come your way. You will find contentment and peace in the greatest dream of your heart finally finding its way into your hands. That invisible wall you keep stumbling through as you wait will finally prop you up and be the firm foundation for your life. You just have to wait.
That's what the world tells us.
Did God ever tell us that?
Honestly, I've never seen God show up in my life that way. There are many things I'm still waiting to see fulfilment on and many things I don't think I'll ever see fulfilled in my life time. I've laid out my perfect plans to my perfect God and asked for blessing only to have Him turn and say, "I've got something better". Every. Single. Time.
I prayed to be a missionary in Yemen. I became a missionary in Scotland.
I prayed for a life as a photographer. I became a baker and philanthropist.
I prayed for a life of travel and adventure. I found adventure in my own children.
I could continue this list for several pages and never reach the end of what God's done in spite of and in honour of my requests. It's in saying no to things I think are perfect that He gives me what's truly best for me. But I still struggle with the knowledge that there may be desires that go unfullfilled. I struggle and I'm in pain.
What I've realised is truth in the age old saying that I hate so much: "It's about the journey and not the destination."
I'm a destination person. If you know me you know I love a project and I thrive when working towards a well-defined goal. The journey is not my thing. Truth be told, when I'm hiking I have to remind myself that the journey up is just as important to the peace I'm trying to find in nature as the moment at the top. I struggle with wanting to be done with the hiking so that I can feel the sense of peace and relaxation at the end knowing that I've worked hard and completed it. I don't do the journey part well.
Perhaps, it really is about the journey. The steps we take towards our goals and our greatest desires could mean more than the moments after the goal is reached. Perhaps it's about how all of those little steps, conversations, breakthroughs, trials, failures, lessons that shape us into better people and shape the world into a better place. Perhaps we are never actually meant to see the fulfilment of some of our dreams because the dream was never actually the goal. The desire was put within us to encourage us to take steps every day, steps that ripple with meaning and legacy building. The desire was just the carrot in front of us to keep us moving forward and effecting change along the way.
I may never learn to speak Arabic. It's one of my greatest dreams since I was 16 but I know it may never happen: not for lack of trying. However, as sad as that would be, having it as one of my goals means that I love my Arab brothers and sisters so deeply. It means that I've built relationships with people because I love their culture and their countries and them. I may never get to live in the Middle East again like I always wanted. I may never speak the language. But what I can do is take that passion and turn it towards understanding and compassion for those displaced into our communities from areas of conflict. I can help create a sense of home because I too was once displaced in other cultures.
I may never get to open a bakery: not for lack of trying. However, continuing to bake every week to practice in the hopes that the bakery happens means I get to feed people in my community. I get to bake bread for my neighbours and friends. I get to build relationships around food in small meaningful ways. I can still gather people around my table and make a difference in the world even if I never get to see that ultimate goal of a bakery realised. Each step towards your greatest dream is a step in line with where you are meant to be in this moment and that's fulfilling your dream already.
Despite all of this, I still struggle. I struggle with letting the journey be the goal and not the gold star at the end. I long to see the desires of my heart come to fruition and the Lord knows this. He knows this because he created those desires in me - good desires, desires to help people, desires in line with the talents and abilities given to me. And yet, He never said the vision would be the blessing.
He never said the vision would be the blessing.
He said he would give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4), if we what? If we delight in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart. Delighting in the Lord means that our desires and wants are shaped by His desires and our relationship with Him. My desires are very often not the best that God would have for me. I'm thankful that my perfect plans are often tossed aside. If I first delight in the Lord and make that my first desire, all other desires will follow and I won't be left feeling frustrated or angry at the Lord for not fulfilling the desires no one asked me to have...but me.
I'll still continue to struggle in some way but knowing that every single day I'm alive is one more day of seeing the desires of my heart shape my family, myself and my community is a day that is well spent - if I allow the little ripples to mean just as much as the big ripple at the end.
