Today I did very little with my time. Or rather, what I perceive as very little. My insides are like a battlefield over the desire to be productive and my desire to rest.
You see, my littlest started nursery today. A day I’ve looked forward to for three years - not because I wished away the time, quite the opposite. The struggle to have this third baby is a struggle I’d endure again and again just to hold her tiny hand. However, it doesn’t take away from the fact that when you have kids at home your own desires and dreams are often put on hold. My own donut business is a testament to that: people thought I was crazy for shutting it down but the last season demanded that I let some things go so that my vision could be less cluttered. It was freeing, yet painful.
Now, I find myself in this new season with no children at home during the day and in the lead up to this day, I kept thinking about how I would use my time in the most productive way.
I could plan for the future.
I could dream dreams.
I could get work done.
Yet, when I tried to do these things today I was gripped by a deep, deep tiredness: weariness. I have many dreams on my heart that I believe are God-inspired but in the moment where I had the space to begin work I felt God say to just take a nap.
In motherhood we are often (read: always) called to serve our families from a place of exhaustion. It’s part of the job description: often the fine print. Exhaustion walks hand-in-hand with the joys of parenting that makes every hard moment worth it.
But weariness is different. Weariness is felt in your bones. It’s the thing that makes the other things you used to love and enjoy lose colour. Weariness can be mistaken for the belief that maybe this just isn’t the call of God on my life anymore. Maybe I was mistaken. Maybe this dream isn’t for me anymore. Or maybe, maybe I’m just weary.
It’s good to just sit and acknowledge the weariness. I find it helpful to have a name for what I’m feeling so that it loses its power. It’s good to stop and soak that dry weary ground in our hearts before we continue with the work we are called to do.
““For I give plenty of water to the weary ones, and refresh everyone who languishes.”
At this I awoke and looked, and my sleep had been pleasant to me.” Jeremiah 31:25-26
How are we refreshed? Through water.
What water? The water only Jesus can provide.
“If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. The one who believe in Me, as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.’” John 7: 37-39
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the second verse above: “I awoke and looked, and my sleep had been pleasant to me.” What I need right now is a really good sleep. My toddler still co-sleeps half the night with us and she’s like an octopus constantly moving and smacking us or kicking us in the face. I desperately need sleep. I love that the Bible talks about sleep because God knows we need it which is why he called me to just take a nap today instead of striving to produce something of value.
And yet - and yet - in His kindness, he allowed me to produce something of substance - this blog post - later in the afternoon with my toddler at home, at a time when I expected that any time for producing anything in the day was over. I was able to rest AND produce something good that tended to my weary soul. My being faithful in resting, He allowed me to fill my desire of creating something useful.
Thank you, Jesus.
