As a trained musician, I often prefer to sit in silence in the car rather than pop the music on. If I’m listening to anything it’s either the thoughts in my head speaking to me life or anxiety or I listen to a podcast.
With music, a song will swirl and swirl around in my mind and I can’t fight the the compulsion to sing it out loud. I find that I become exhausted from not being able to control the melody escaping my lips. That probably sounds strange. I love singing but sometimes I like having the freedom to not!
So instead of music, I turn to podcasts. When I’m in a season of needing inspiration I always turn to Mary Marantz and today’s podcast had me crying and ‘amen-ing’.
I’ve been going through a season of intense weariness and searching and waiting. I’ve been challenged in ways that haven’t been fun and stripped bare of so many of my desires. I’ve pleaded with God over broken dreams, unrealised friendships, and a longing I couldn’t (can’t) place. I’ve fought with God over my identity and what I thought he desired of me.
So much of who I thought I was was stripped away and left me questioning the future I thought I had seen a glimpse of. This season has made me question the things I held so dear.
Today I realised…I don’t even know who I really am.
I’m 38 and only just now figuring out who I am. It wasn’t until today, thanks to a podcast, that I understood that my identity crisis has been a very real, very painful reason for my wrestling. It’s not just been about my job, my businesses, where I’m volunteering, who I’m friends with or even the lack of these things.
“Who is it that you actually are and how can you be that without the titles or other people affirming it in you?” - Heather Thompson Day
Who am I?
I would have said, “I am a photographer. I am a baker. I am a mom. I am a business woman.”
Yet, in reality, those are all job titles.
Who am I without those titles?
Well…
I am purposeful.
I am relational.
I am creative.
I am honest.
I am INTENTIONAL.
That short list is as far as I’ve gotten. I know there is more to me than those few words. But for now, how can I create opportunities to be who I am even if my circumstances never align to my dreams or if my job title never spells out my identity?
